So I'm not feeling terribly inspired today, but I wanted to get one last post in before heading to the hospital tomorrow morning. I'm still feeling very, very calm (albeit very, very hungry at this point) - and I keep thinking that, any minute now, I might crack - but that just isn't the case. I've never been this stable in my life so it's crazy to think that, given all of the extreme circumstances, I'm this calm right now - but I know where it's coming from, and I have to give credit to the source.
Four and a half years ago, while terrified and waiting alone in my hospital room for my surgeon to come in and give me the pathology results from my lymph nodes, I had a very deep and profound experience. I'm not sure how many people can actually attest to having heard God's voice, but I was blessed that morning as He spoke to me. It was still dark outside - it had to have been 4 or 5 in the morning. He distinctly said "Give it to me." Simple as that. I, of course, backpedaled a bit, and denied that there was anything to give. Silly me, what was I thinking? Assuming that God couldn't possibly know more than me (no comments, please), I denied it twice - and then finally realized what He wanted. In as nonchalantly a way as possible I replied with an "Oh, that? Well, okay." and the deal was done. A few short hours later, my surgeon came in and told me that the lymph nodes were clear, and that my cancer had not spread. I could practically hear God chuckling in the background, and although I didn't HEAR Him say "See? I told you so", I was quite sure that that's what was on his mind.
There have been many times over the last few years when I've wrestled with God and have taken my load back from him. Before scans, before blood tests, before colonoscopies, before appointments with my oncologist - all of them opportunities for me to say "Gee God, thanks for the help, but I've got it covered now." It has taken (and will probably continue to take) many more times before I fully (and permanently) realize that God truly is far more capable than I am (again, no comments, please...my ego is fragile right now, and I don't think it can take the blows). Don't I know everything? Isn't it possible for me to do it all? Am I not the wisest one in the universe? No?? Surely you're not serious...
But truthfully, there's no way I can do it all, or be it all, or know it all, without the amazing and perfect intervention of the One who made me. I know that He made me weak so that I could lean on Him. I know that He made me empty so that He could fill me. And I know that He made me humble (yes, I'm choking on that word) so that HE could be glorified through me. For that's what I want to do today. I want to GLORIFY Him.
All of my peace, all of my calm and quiet, is coming from Him. If I were relying solely on myself, I'd be a basketcase, and I'm clearly not one right now. As steady as the the wind, and with faith that CAN move mountains, I'm heading into surgery in the morning.
To God be the GLORY!!
Amen.
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Amen! See ya when you get back!
ReplyDeleteIt has taken me this long to figure out how to post a comment ... and I was only able to do it with Jeff holding my hand. I was determined to send a message to you tonight. I hope it's not too late!
ReplyDeleteYour blog is wonderful. You are certainly touching all of our hearts. You have made me laugh and cry - sometimes at the same time! Your faith inspires me. Your strength amazes me. You are incredible!
We continue to pray for you. All three girls lit candles for you after Mass this morning. I'll be saying Hail Mary's until I hear from Bern tomorrow. We love you!!
Anne
Good Morning Lindsey! By now, you are probably already at the hospital. We are sending abundant SUPER RESCUE ROMAN STRENGTH to you this morning of all mornings. Your faith and courage is simply amazing. We are praying hard and storming heaven's gates this morning for the docs to do everything correctly and for you my dear friend to wake up and have peace and comfort knowing you are cancer free yet again. May God continue to hold you in HIS hands. Love to you! Jody, Mike, Sheridan and Roman Fariello
ReplyDeleteDearest Lindsey- You have been in my heart, my mind and prayers all day-and I read this AFTER my third conversation of the day with your mother. No, we did not have wine glasses to carry with us as we walked around the block, but yes, in spirit we did! I celebrate with you and Mike and your wonderful family-the great good news of today, your unwavering faith and spirit, and your willingness and ability to share your journey with us. Please consider your self hugged, and hugged and hugged and loved dearly. May God continue to bless every second of your healing. Love K
ReplyDeleteLindsey...don't know how I missed this one, but I am just now finding out about the re-occurrence of cancer. No, my head is not tilting and if I were with you I would give you a big hug, big smile and big glass of white wine. I read all of your blog and you are quite honestly, a NATURAL...very witty (which I already knew) and easy to read. Please keep up the blog so we can all follow your progress and keep you in our prayers. I don't check facebook on a regular basis, but will do so in the future to keep up with you and your family. We send our love and prayers. You continue to amaze me with your unwavering faith and belief in our God. Love ya, Julie Marquardt and family
ReplyDeleteLindsey Kindt!
ReplyDeleteYou are so GREAT. You are a humble servant and your words just prove it. Thanks for making me think and want to be like you. Love, Mary