Anatomy and Physiology 101

With a special shout out to Becky Henderson, the high school teacher who totally turned me on to the Human Physiology course to the point where I was hiding out in the UK Medical Library during my senior year, I must tell you that I find the human body absolutely fascinating. To this day, I still believe I could be a phenomenal doctor - with the exception of one tiny little problem: I have neither the desire, nor the patience, to put up with medical school. That's an awfully large commitment, afterall, and I'm fairly confident that I don't want to work that hard. Until I'm able to secure my medical license without an actual degree (and c'mon, let's be honest, how many of you would visit such a doctor in the first place?), I will have to settle with just being one of those doctor-wannabes. I recently found an amazing website (www.mayoclinic.com/health/search/search) which is the most user-friendly, "ordinary person friendly" medical website in the entire universe. I've learned so much more about so many things in the last few days - and was even able to watch an animated video (think 3rd grade film strip here) of my proposed surgery. Too darn cool. I think if I were able to watch my own surgery on Monday I just might do it, but am settling for photographs, instead (as promised by my surgeon). Yeah, I know I'm gross - but it really is completely fascinating.

So having prepped you with the knowledge that I completely dig the way the human body works, I'm going to give you a refresher on the human digestive system. Note-taking is optional, and there won't be a quiz, so just relax and learn. If you're convinced that you already "know it all", then feel free to skip ahead to the next paragraph. (If you already know how to perform a colectomy, then I guess you can skip the next paragraph too, just say farewell here, and tune in the next time I post.) So here goes: we eat food, and it goes to the stomach (stop me if I'm going too fast). From there, it gets digested by the gunk and acid stuff in the stomach, and heads into the small intestines. There are roughly 7 meters (22 feet, give or take a bit) of small intestines, and nutrients from our partially-digested food are absorbed by the body at this point. Next it's on to the large intestine (5 feet-ish...and yes, that IS a medical term), where water is absorbed and the waste becomes more compact. With me so far? The final step, not exactly rocket science, involves a trip to the bathroom with a good book.

And now, for our lesson in colectomies. (If you skipped out on the previous paragraph and are just returning, welcome back.) A colectomy basically involves the removal of the colon (also called the large intestine) and there are, from what I understand, two types of these procedures. One is a complete colectomy, and involves removing the colon and the rectum. The other type, conveniently and cleverly called the "rectal sparing colectomy", involves the removal of just the colon. It's this second procedure that I've signed up for. The plus side is that I'll keep my rectum, and I just KNOW that you're thrilled beyond words to have THIS bit of information! Yeah, yeah, I'm sure some of you out there are chanting "TMI, TMI, TMI", but at this point in time I have cancer, and I get to say whatever I want (we've already established that, remember?). The down side is that there is still some colonic mucosi in the rectum - and for those of you who aren't self-proclaimed medical specialists such as myself, this basically means that the same tissue that lines the colon also lines part of the rectum. If you were to scroll down to my very first posting, you'll be reminded that I have "one messed up colon". The lining of the colon is where my polyps and tumors tend to hang out, so there's still a chance that they'll pop up in the rectal area. Fortunately, the screening and monitoring process for this "risk factor" is extraordinarily simple, non-invasive and, most importantly, will NEVER EVER EVER involve drinking the 872-gallon jug of Golytley EVER AGAIN!!! (I can practically hear the angels shouting for joy!).

So how, exactly, does one go about performing said rectal-sparing colectomy? First of all, one had DAMN well better be a graduate of a reputable medical school, and had better have the credentials necessary to slice me open. It might be fun to be a self-professed medical expert w/o the benefit of a degree, but if one gets near me with a scalpel, I'll run for the hills, grabbing a handful of attorneys on the way. My surgeon has, of coursed, passed the test, so I've given him permission to proceed. His hope is that he'll be able to do this surgery laparoscopically, which will involve five small incisions, some surgical tools, some video equipment, and possibly some popcorn and Sno-caps (to go along with the video equipment, of course). The colon and part of the small intestines will be pulled out of my belly, and the necessary removals and re-attachments will be carried out, and everything will be stuffed back into place (like t-shirts into a drawer, I suppose). Since I've already had three abdominal surgeries there is a good chance that Dr. Connaughton will encounter too much scar tissue. If that's the case, the video equipment will be packed away for another day, and my belly will be opened up big-time. Needless to say we're hoping for laparoscopic success, because it will greatly reduce my pain level, as well as the duration of my hospital stay. Laparoscopically, Dr. Connaughton predicts a 5-7 day vacation at Nix; abdominally, we're looking at 7-10 days. There will be no way of knowing what the outcome is until, well, I come out of surgery.

And now to answer the question that is probably popping into many minds but, bless your hearts, you have too much tact to ask me outright: will I have a "bag"? Believe me, that was my second question. The first question, of course, was in response to hearing that I had cancer again and, if I recall the words correctly, they were something like "How in the HELL did this HAPPEN????" (insert very angry voice here). Any-hoo, Dr. Connaughton says "no" to the bag question unless, of course, there's some sort of "misadventure" (ahem). If the unthinkable should happen, and our adventure becomes a MIS of some sort, then I'll have an iliostomy for a short time, probably just long enough to allow my body to heal, and then it'll be reversed. We're obviously shooting for the best possible outcome here and, again, we won't know the results until I come out of surgery. I'm sure I'll start to wake up in the recovery room and will immediately start feeling around for anything that shouldn't be there :) The ONLY things I hope to find are an abundance of bandages, and a tiny little magic button in my hand that joyfully dispenses morphine at my command.

Congratulations, you did beautifully in your crash course for Anatomy and Physiology, and you all get an A+! I hope you won't be offended if I don't let you scrub in on Monday morning; something tell me that the majority of you won't have the stomach for it anyways. Please be sure to let me know, however, if you'd like copies of the pictures :)